Catching Up: A Life Update
Where I've been, and where I'm going
Welp, the blog finally receives an actual post after 2 years of nothing. In part because I forgot but also because right as I made that first entry my life was in the process of radically changing. So I thought I’d finally sit down and put my site’s blog to good use, by catching you all up on what’s been of my life over the past year. I’ve been far more inactive and figured I should explain why.
Part 1: Real Life
Let’s start in January of last year. It had been a year since I stopped attending university, which I had mentioned in my prior blog post, for a plethora of reasons. I spent the year home, and other than meeting new people online I didn’t do much. It was fun for all of 3-4 months until all the existential dread set in, and then I was desperate to get out of there. It’s actually the reason these vent artworks exist. My prayers were answered in February 2023 when I finally got myself a plane ticket to Illinois, where my mom was staying this whole year. The plan was for me to come along at the same time as her, but there were a bunch of setbacks. Nonetheless, I had finally made it, and it was time to move my life forward.
And move my life forward I did, sorta! I went ahead and got a job as a part time cashier at a dollar store. Very humble beginnings. I was no longer relying on gifts to save cash, but rather I was working hard for it. It definitely changed my view of things and made me realize that things aren’t just going to happen by themselves. I have to do stuff to make stuff happen. Up until now, despite the fact I was growing older, I never felt a day past 17, and not in a good way. I felt like I was stuck in the past, feeling immature and naive, that things would just sort themselves out and that all the tough decisions were an issue for my future self.
Turns out becoming your future self comes faster than you think. Before you know it all those things you said you’d worry about later are a pressing matter right now. And with that you’ll wish you could go back to your past self and slap him with a dose of reality.
It’s been a lot of introspection and reflection to get to this point. For the past few years I have felt lost, confused, and left behind. Chasing after the times that used to be and running away from what’s coming ahead. But I’m happy to say that things are slowly turning around for the better. More on why is coming up ahead.
Sidenote: With my first paycheck, I went ahead and got myself a lovely and cuddly Yoshi plush!
But anyway, this is very much what my life centered on for the next while. I was making my money and slowly stepping into the adult world as I did. I bought myself nice things, like a bike, which was not only my main mode of transport but also my main recreational tool. My first bike was unfortunately stolen… But I got another one not too long afterwards that is still my trusty steed to this day. No progress on the social end, but I did feel my life was improving thanks to getting out to bike, traveling downtown and overall experiencing new things. My job had its annoying moments but it paid nicely and in the grand scheme of things was pretty relaxed.
Between work and being out and about more often time passed by pretty quickly. I had a distant goal in mind to start attending university over here, however I still had some thinking to do on the decision. I felt like up to this point I was lacking maturity and perspective, which I got from stepping out into the workforce. It forced me to get past my awkwardness and general hesitance to be around other people. I can’t say I’m a social butterfly, but compared to where I was only a year ago I like to think I’ve come a long way. And while hard work won’t solve things by itself, it is a component in achieving any goal, no matter how small. That last part is a killing blow to my ego, as someone who is ambitious but lazy.
All in all, I’ve just been busy with real life. Between the daily grind and my moments of leisure, it’s been difficult to throw my hobbies back into the mix. I had also decided that I spend far too much time online and have been trying to balance it out. It’s hard, because I still have no real friendships IRL and online is pretty much where my social life lies. Yet I have also withdrawn from there, leaving me feeling painfully alone at times. It adds to that ever present feeling that I don’t belong anywhere. But as my life slowly has been falling into place, I’ll try my best to rectify that.
Part 2: Hobbies
So, what has been of me between the back and forth of real life? Well, as I said above, it’s been a constant uphill battle to regain time to carry out my hobbies. It doesn’t help that I’m a jack of all trades, who wants to do a bit of everything. It’s tough to have limited free time, and decision paralysis because you have so much you want to do. I have been trying to simultaneously continue and explore the following:
- Drawing
- Writing (stories and characters)
- Stargazing/Amateur astronomy
- Gaming
- Game modding (which itself splits into like 3 different games)
- Making videos
- Making music (yes, really!)
All of this while I also try to maintain good habits and routines for myself. It’s hard when you’ve never had a single ounce of time management on you.
Time and time again I have thought of consolidating this list to only what I want to do the most, so I can focus on it on my free time. Problem is… I want to do all of these the most. I also want to improve at these to levels that are probably only possible if you focus on them more than I’m able to. It’s like I’m being pulled in a million different directions, and end up going none of them. It’s frustrating.
It doesn’t stop me from trying though. As my free time has run shorter and shorter, I’ve had to genuinely think about what matters to me most. And well… The answer is still all of them, kinda. Music has been my latest fascination and I have been trying to learn the basics to make something. Since early this year I got into My Little Pony (which is a story for another time…) and the near infinite repertoire of music made by bronies has opened me up to genres I would have never thought of listening. Even more so, it’s made me officially want to take the plunge and try making something. I’m thinking of dedicating at least some days to it to hopefully make something, because music means a lot to me, and I feel it could be an awesome way to enhance my characters and express my emotions.
Game modding on the other hand is the one I feel the most ambivalent about. That is to say, I’m no longer enamored by it as I once was. The inner workings of games will forever be interesting to me, but I have found myself not really missing the experience of making mods that much. It can be a bunch of cumbersome trial and error, it can be very time consuming, and usually by the end of most of my mods I kind of just want to be done with it. Part of this is due to me focusing so much on Mario Kart Wii to critical burnout levels, which I have elaborated on in this doc that serves as my final letter to the game and its community. Since late 2022 I ceased working on pretty much any mod for any game, and decided to let go of all the ideas I had. What was the point, if I wasn’t enjoying the game as much?
I also modded Mario Kart DS a fair bit, and I definitely have wanted to make stuff for it, but the draw isn’t as big as it once was. I have ideas still, but they’re not urgent. The main reason here is that it’s time consuming. The tools have gotten better and the stuff people make is awesome. But I feel that it’s no longer something I want to devote much of my time of, and same goes for modding in general.
That said, I have my sights set on one game and one game only: Super Mario Galaxy. It’s thanks to this game that I even got into modding in the first place… And yet I never made something worthwhile for it. It feels like a disservice to not make something after all this time, to in a way obtain closure from the hobby, bring things around, and make something for my favorite game of all time. Other than that, modding is the one hobby I’m likely to leave behind.
Closely related to it is making videos. While I no longer aspire to be a YouTuber in the career sense, I still love the process of making videos talking about stuff. It’s fun to edit, writing can lead to insightful thoughts, and while it can be annoying at times it feels more rewarding to me. I’m kind of angry at myself that I threw it by the wayside in favor of modding. All my YT channel is for the most part is mod showcases, which don’t really take much to make, which makes sense because they’re just that. A showcase. I don’t think I’d become a super consistent uploader, but I would like to pick it back up and discuss things that interest me, or showcase other things like my art and music (if I make any!). So I don’t feel like I have to sacrifice this hobby, but rather compliment it with my other ones.
Gaming is a bit tricky. I tend to feel like I waste time whenever I’m just playing games. I prefer to spend my time on things that make me feel more productive. I have not bought a single game for over a year, because I already have a big enough backlog as is and it’s pointless to keep buying games I won’t touch or leave incomplete. So gaming is just in the background, whenever I feel like not doing much. For now that’s fine by me.
Stargazing is more so restricted by outside factors. I never realized how much it meant to me until I was no longer able to do it. It’s really relaxing to be able to sit in the dark and immerse yourself in the starry sky. Where I am now it’s near impossible to see much, but I still try from time to time. I’m hoping to travel to the more rural areas to pick up the hobby again, as it helps a lot to just be under a proper night sky.
Lastly, drawing and writing. These two hobbies I could never let go of even if I tried. They are very personal to me and without them I feel like something is missing. At often times I have felt as though I have lost my way on them, but then I happen to put pencil to paper and make kickass pieces. So it’s just the natural ups and downs of being an artist. That said, I do want to improve my art more, which is hard to do when I have so much to balance.
So where does that leave us? Honestly… I don’t know. Ideally I’d pick one or two hobbies and ditch the rest but I don’t work like that. So I figure I’ll have to properly begin organizing myself, and budget my time accordingly to make sure everything has equal attention to not just have everything half assed. It’s by far my biggest internal challenge.
Part 3: The Future
Now that you know what’s been of me, I should close by saying what will be of me moving forward.
Frankly… I don’t expect my current pattern of inactivity to stop. If anything, it might increase. My future has to take precedence. But I do hope I’m able to keep having time for my hobbies, so that I can keep my creative juices flowing and show you all what I do. Alongside that, I am slowly working on making my return to college official. I have felt very enticed by the field of meteorology and after giving it much thought (which I still am doing) I have decided this might be what I want to study. It feels nice to finally see a light at the end of a dark, dark tunnel, and even if I’m very unsure, I’ll go ahead with confidence, because if I don’t try, I’ll never know.
I’ll try my best to organize myself so that I don’t just keep myself disappearing and distant. That even with limited time I’ll still be here to show you my silly drawings, writings, or whatever else I make. I want to be more in touch with myself and have an active presence in my life, instead of just coasting by. I also want to be there for my current friends and people in my life, and get out there to meet more people. Not sure if I’ll make that last one happen, but it’s on the list.
So yeah… We have reached the end of this very long life update. It’s been a strange few years, where I’ve felt stagnant, and all of a sudden I’m growing up. If you actually made it this far, I guess thank you for reading? I’m not really doing this to get noticed. Kinda. I just thought I’d give a sign of my life to anyone that may wonder where I am, and to remind myself of where I currently stand in relation to my goals and ambitions. It helps to look back on everything.
I also kind of hope this invites anyone else to do an audit of their life and see what’s been going on. It might lead to tough questions or realizations, but they may just be the key to moving forward.
I’d like to end with a quote from this video I watched recently. The whole video feels personally relatable to me, but this line most of all. I hope you all have a lovely day/night, and I’ll catch you all soon with more blog posts, and site updates. Take care.
